She doesn’t want a partner who smokes and she is upfront about not liking weed when she dates people. She doesn’t like the smell, she gets irritated around people who are high, it’s just not her jam. I don’t think that’s a low self esteem issue, that’s more of a trust/communication problem in my opinion.Įdit: “You can not like porn, but if your partner enjoys it THAT is up to them.” It’s one thing to be like you and your partner and say, “we both watch porn individually and we are comfortable with that and it doesn’t negatively impact our sex life” and another situation where someone is saying, “I really want to be intimate with my partner but he is secretly seeking out other ways to sexually satisfied himself.” Especially, in this particular case where OP wants to be more intimate with her partner and he is secretly watching it. Some people consider it as an act of cheating. Hopefully with clear communication you can figure out what’s really going on. With a 1 year old you are both in a huge transition and people get out of synch. As long as you can stay rooted in clear communication you have a shot at sorting this out. Parenting pushes us to serious limits - we have 2 kids and droughts in sex, affection and even love can come and go. It’s worth trying to figure out which it is before you get too hurt about what has happened. It’s just as likely that whatever the reason caused a reduction in sex may have led to an interest in porn or the exact opposite - an interest in porn has led to a reduction in sex. Before you decide he’s chosen porn over you - give him a chance to articulate what’s going on. I think you should try to have a frank conversation with your spouse - and don’t try to imagine what he’s thinking / feeling. Porn isn’t just watched by men although apparently statistically it appears to be. Having a partner draw comparisons between porn and myself would be a red flag. Developing a new interest that isn’t discussed would also be a red flag. A rise in porn matching a drop in sex interest would be a red flag for me. I don’t see the harm in it if it doesn’t disrupt your sex life. It really depends on how you two have decided porn can / should be used in your relationship. On the other hand, I think the bigger issue is you’re missing the pre-baby intimacy so why not talk about how to start getting that back? Babies are exhausting and it’s normal that it fell away but if you’re missing it, tell him you are and that you would love to make some time to get it back. You could talk to him about how the porn makes you feel but I would be careful about being accusing. Compare it to being hungry, if you put the effort in to cooking a nice roast dinner it is going to be amazing, but sometimes all you have the energy for is to make a shitty piece of toast. I don’t think many people prefer porn to the real thing, but sometimes it’s just a quick and easy outlet. Your partner likely has that view to and doesn’t realise you would be upset by it. I personally don’t have a problem with it and don’t think of it as “instead of” sex, so I don’t see it as cheating or bad or whatever. People have lots of different opinions about porn and they are all valid. I hope you can figure out a system that works for you both! I just wanted to share that your husband might be coming from a good place and things are changing but that’s normal. A bit of the spontaneity is gone now with me initiating but we still get our needs fulfilled. During the other times he would watch porn and handle it himself. Now it’s mostly me initiating when I’m in the mood and it would lead to something most of the time. He did make it clear that he is still down for sex when I feel ready for it. I talked to him about it and my husband said he still finds me attractive but he didn’t want to bother me since I’m already dealing with a lot during pregnancy. It did make me feel wanted but sometimes it would also feel like I’m rejecting his needs.Īfter pregnancy, I noticed that my husband stopped initiating and I was feeling a little down because maybe it was nice to be desired. Before pregnancy, my husband would initiate and I would be into it maybe 50% of the time.
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